The Maimey Crocfins got off to an inauspicious start in the NAPI League with a 4-1 thrashing at the hands of the Aethel Avengers. Besides one impressive series that featured a dazzling 24-yard Sginn to Beast touchdown pass and run, the Crocfins failed to muster much of an offensive threat and had no answer the Avenger's high-speed passing attack.
"It's embarrassing, plain and simple," said Crocfin Coach Tiny Spearinyou. "I mean, we managed what, one touchdown and zero casualties, and they had four TDs an 2 casualties. It's like they were just dancing from end to end on wounded reptilian bodies. Honestly, I think our saurus's spent the majority of the match on the ground. And Peezy, don't even get me started on Peezy."
Crocfin Kroxigor Jay Peezy, responsible for more than his share of pre-game hissing and growling, was a disappointment once again, failing to register a single tackle, KO, or casualty. On the Crocfin's first possession as Skatrick Gobbs advanced the ball, Peezy appeared to trip over an unseen root as he attempted to block the Avenger's tree-man Oakroot. The phantom root, which mages have still been unable to locate in subsequent magecasts, has many fans accusing Peezy of taking a dive for fear of facing the mighty treeman.
"Treeman no scare Peezy," an enraged Peezy hissed at scribes following the match. "Look, see you these theethies! You think me scared with these? You tell me if they tough enough to break wood." Peezy then bit the hands of two scribes and was no longer available for comment.
To make matters worse, after landing among the treeman's roots, Peezy continued to roll on the ground for a full minute, gnashing his teeth and rubbing blood-soaked grass against his belly, apparently forgetting there was a match going on around him. This opened a path for the lovely and acrobatic Avenger wardancer, Aethelthryth. She quickly leaped into the cage surrounding Gobbs and executed a beautiful spinning round-house kick that separated Gobbs from the ball, and separated his skull into two distinct pieces.
As Peezy continued to lay on the pitch (now rubbing the grass into areas of his body not fit to mention in this publication), the Avengers' Aethelheard scooped up the ball and handed it to Aethelwulf, who pranced into the endzone for the first of many Avenger TDs on the day.
"Me thought me could still get back in there," said a dazed Gobbs, who's expected to miss the next match. "Me mean, it only a skull, right? Me got like three of those, don't me?"
The Crocfins looked as if they might make a game of it following the second-half kickoff when Sginn Jr. split the Avenger defense, sprinted across the 50-yard line, and drilled the ball to Beast. Beast scampered toward the end-zone giving Crocfin fans a glimmer of false hope and tying the score 1-1.
"Me always tell coach me can throw," said Sginn following the match. "He think me skinky arms too small, but me show him. Zip--me throw right to Beasty. Me like elf, only with scales, and not smelling so good, and liking to eat rats and little halfling girls ..."
On the following kickoff, however, the wood-elves shut down any hopes the Crocfins might have had. Even after an enraged Crocfin fan knocked out the Avenger's thrower with a well-placed rock, the flee-footed elves put on a passing clinic, scoring in mere seconds as Aethelstan hit Aethelflaed for the go-ahead score.
With the sure-handed Gobbs out of the match, Avengers Coach Aelfric took advantage of the Crocfins lack of ball skills with a bold and brilliantly executed onside kick. After recovering the ball, the Avengers advanced it quickly down the field once Peezy opened up a path by knocking himself to the ground after unwisely attempting to head-butt an elf lineman wearing a horned helmet. Aethelred II then skipped into the end-zone to give the Avenger's a commanding 3-1 lead.
"That onside kick took balls, I gotta say," said Spearinyou. "This Aelfric, that's a great coach they got there. He may be a elf or a reincarnated Anglo Saxon or whatever, but he's got a set of troll balls, if you know what I mean."
Aethelberht also scored for the Avengers while Oakroot and Aethelryth added a casualty each and Aethelflaed earned a KO.
"This is not the way we wanted to start," said Spearinyou during the post-match scribe conference. "Let's be clear about that. This was not the kind of bloodbowl we want to play, OK? I've talked to every reptile in that locker room and they all know what's expected of them--except maybe Peezy, he doesn't even really know how to keep score. But he, like every other lizardman on this team, is committed to getting this thing fixed."
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