Crocfins Shutout Slimeballz for First NAPI League Win

The Maimey Crocfins got their first NAPI League win this week with a 3-0 shutout of the Slimeballz. Dinovone Beast scored two touchdowns in the impressive win over the division's other lizardman team, and Rasta Chilliams added another.

"That was Crocfin football!" said Crocfin Coach Tiny Spearinyou. "Skinks scamperirng and Kroxigor's cracking skulls. I knew we had a good week of practice coming in, but that was a real tough squad we took on out there, so my hat's off to my reptiles today."

Despite the final score, the match got off to an inauspicious start for the Crocfins. After taking the opening kickoff up the sideline and into Slimeballz terrtitory, Skeddy Sginn Jr. was knocked off his claws when Slimeballz skink Tehejai of Tlaxton dove past Jay Klong to whip his tail against Sginn's head. The ball bounced out of bounds, and when Slimeballz fans tossed it down to the Maimey25-yard-line, it looked like the Crocfins were on their way toward their second loss.

"People say me soft, so me got to hold onto that ball," said Sginn, who was also KO'd by a hard charging Slimeball saurus later in the match. "And, no, me family was not on the field to protect me from that skinky's tail."

A mad scramble for the ball immediately ensued. Scales flew into the air as saurus's and skinks flailed at one another and ball. "We worked on picking up that thing all week," said Spearinyou, "So you can bet my spear was shaking when I saw these guys trying to stab the ball with their claws."

Fortunately for the Crocfins, Jay-Peezy emerged from a two-week glass-eyed reptillian haze to throw a key block, opening a path toward the ball for Rasta Chilliams. Chilliams scooped it up, crossed mid-field, and made a diving hand-off to Dinovone Beast who'd been trying to find an opening in Slimeballz territory. With a Slimeball saurus clawing at his back, Beast dodged into the open field and sprinted into the end zone.

"That's a play me got to make in this league," said Beast. "Every-people say skinkies no catch, but that all me do, all day. I lay back in the swamp all day catching rats when they crawl over my belly, so it's the same with the ball, you put it in me belly, me going to grab it."

The Slimeballz looked poised to even the score in the second half when Boqtz skittered through an opening to bring the ball down to the Crocfins' 20-yard-line. However, Rawny Brawn--who's been working on his tackle-breaking skills in the hopes of actually getting a chance to carry the ball--broke away from a Slimeball saurus's block and KO'd Boqtz with double-fisted blow to the snout.

As Boqtz lay bleeding into the pitch, Beast clawed the ball into his gut and dashed toward the endzone to give the Crocfins a 2-0 lead.


Late in the second half, a fumbled pass by the Slimeballz opened the door for the Crocfins third score. Chilliams, able to grab the ball near the midfield, dashed 38 yards down the sideline dodging would-be tacklers on his way to the end-zone. "Me just want to do me part to help me team," said Chilliams after the match as he dodged away from the scribes almost as acrobatically as he dodged tacklers on the pitch.


Yet as Chilliams made his way toward the game-sealing touchdown, tragedy struck for the Crocfins when the Slimeballz Goratl blind-sided Krad Bonington 30 yards away from the ball. Skilled in the art of the "Mighty-Blow," Goratl clawed open Bonington's stomach, ripped out his small intestine, and wrapped it around Bonington's neck, laughing maniacally as the Crocfin captain simultaneously choked and bled to death.

"Me see the way they play," said an enraged Jay-Peezy after the match. "You can bet me going to be looking for Goratl next time we play. He not only one know how to 'Mighty-Blow.' Me think his guts might look good round his neck."


A more subdued and reflective Spearinyou, however, took the loss of the key player in stride. "Hey, that's Bloodbowl, right," he said, as he fed the remains of Bonington's body to his saurus's. "They don't call this foot-bowl or hand-bowl. They call it Bloodbowl, and there's a reason for that. So we lost a good reptile today, but we also got a win. And that Goratl, he's a heck of a player. I told him after the match. I presented him with Krad's skull, and I said, 'take pride in his death as we shall take pride in his life.' Of course, he immediately ripped the skull out of my hands and tried to brain me with it so he could eat me, but that's not the point. The point is, we got this team on the right track today, and Krad was a part of that, and he's still going to be a part of this team going forward--at least until his teammates finish drinking all his blood out of the Kroxigor-ade bucket."

Crocfins Embarrassed by Avengers in NAPI Season Opener

The Maimey Crocfins got off to an inauspicious start in the NAPI League with a 4-1 thrashing at the hands of the Aethel Avengers. Besides one impressive series that featured a dazzling 24-yard Sginn to Beast touchdown pass and run, the Crocfins failed to muster much of an offensive threat and had no answer the Avenger's high-speed passing attack.

"It's embarrassing, plain and simple," said Crocfin Coach Tiny Spearinyou. "I mean, we managed what, one touchdown and zero casualties, and they had four TDs an 2 casualties. It's like they were just dancing from end to end on wounded reptilian bodies. Honestly, I think our saurus's spent the majority of the match on the ground. And Peezy, don't even get me started on Peezy."

Crocfin Kroxigor Jay Peezy, responsible for more than his share of pre-game hissing and growling, was a disappointment once again, failing to register a single tackle, KO, or casualty. On the Crocfin's first possession as Skatrick Gobbs advanced the ball, Peezy appeared to trip over an unseen root as he attempted to block the Avenger's tree-man Oakroot. The phantom root, which mages have still been unable to locate in subsequent magecasts, has many fans accusing Peezy of taking a dive for fear of facing the mighty treeman.

"Treeman no scare Peezy," an enraged Peezy hissed at scribes following the match. "Look, see you these theethies! You think me scared with these? You tell me if they tough enough to break wood." Peezy then bit the hands of two scribes and was no longer available for comment.

To make matters worse, after landing among the treeman's roots, Peezy continued to roll on the ground for a full minute, gnashing his teeth and rubbing blood-soaked grass against his belly, apparently forgetting there was a match going on around him. This opened a path for the lovely and acrobatic Avenger wardancer, Aethelthryth. She quickly leaped into the cage surrounding Gobbs and executed a beautiful spinning round-house kick that separated Gobbs from the ball, and separated his skull into two distinct pieces.

As Peezy continued to lay on the pitch (now rubbing the grass into areas of his body not fit to mention in this publication), the Avengers' Aethelheard scooped up the ball and handed it to Aethelwulf, who pranced into the endzone for the first of many Avenger TDs on the day.

"Me thought me could still get back in there," said a dazed Gobbs, who's expected to miss the next match. "Me mean, it only a skull, right? Me got like three of those, don't me?"

The Crocfins looked as if they might make a game of it following the second-half kickoff when Sginn Jr. split the Avenger defense, sprinted across the 50-yard line, and drilled the ball to Beast. Beast scampered toward the end-zone giving Crocfin fans a glimmer of false hope and tying the score 1-1.

"Me always tell coach me can throw," said Sginn following the match. "He think me skinky arms too small, but me show him. Zip--me throw right to Beasty. Me like elf, only with scales, and not smelling so good, and liking to eat rats and little halfling girls ..."

On the following kickoff, however, the wood-elves shut down any hopes the Crocfins might have had. Even after an enraged Crocfin fan knocked out the Avenger's thrower with a well-placed rock, the flee-footed elves put on a passing clinic, scoring in mere seconds as Aethelstan hit Aethelflaed for the go-ahead score.

With the sure-handed Gobbs out of the match, Avengers Coach Aelfric took advantage of the Crocfins lack of ball skills with a bold and brilliantly executed onside kick. After recovering the ball, the Avengers advanced it quickly down the field once Peezy opened up a path by knocking himself to the ground after unwisely attempting to head-butt an elf lineman wearing a horned helmet. Aethelred II then skipped into the end-zone to give the Avenger's a commanding 3-1 lead.

"That onside kick took balls, I gotta say," said Spearinyou. "This Aelfric, that's a great coach they got there. He may be a elf or a reincarnated Anglo Saxon or whatever, but he's got a set of troll balls, if you know what I mean."

Aethelberht also scored for the Avengers while Oakroot and Aethelryth added a casualty each and Aethelflaed earned a KO.

"This is not the way we wanted to start," said Spearinyou during the post-match scribe conference. "Let's be clear about that. This was not the kind of bloodbowl we want to play, OK? I've talked to every reptile in that locker room and they all know what's expected of them--except maybe Peezy, he doesn't even really know how to keep score. But he, like every other lizardman on this team, is committed to getting this thing fixed."

Crocfins Join NAPI League

The Maimey Crocfins are preparing to get back on the Blood Bowl pitch this week, having been accepted into the newly launched North American Pitch Invasion (NAPI) League. The move comes after the Crocfins last league folded due to what Coach Spearinyou called "skink-phobia."

"Once you get wind of a skink killing a dwarf, I guess that kind of takes away your motivations to play," said Spearinyou, referring to Skatrick Gobbs now legendary disposal of a Dwarven lineman. "I don't know what the problem is, though. I mean the little buggers weigh all of 70 pounds soaking wet. I just wish we could find a group of teams bloodthirsty enough to take us on."

It looks like Spearinyou has gotten his wish, as the Crocfins prepare to enter a division with three other teams that look ready to spill some blood. The Aethel Avengers feature a high-flying Wood-Elf passing attack, the Bay Bruisers look likely to play an old-school Dwarven brand of smash-mouth-nose-eye-and-skull Blood Bowl, and the Slime Balls, one of two other lizardmen teams in the NAPI League, are ready to fight reptile with reptile.

The Crocfins will kick off their season this week with a match against the Avengers, so stay tuned for updates on what looks to be an exciting and eviscerating season.